i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
