does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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