I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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