I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
