So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everclear isn't food dammit
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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