I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
