I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
