if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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