I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize