I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we made out on top of his cat.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
