Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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