Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
