You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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