Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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