no, he came in my armpit
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
