ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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