That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize