did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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