your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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