Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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