a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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