If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
