I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love you. Go after that dick
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
