I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
