i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
