so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
