Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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