please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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