The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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