im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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