the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
