everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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