i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
