My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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