glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
