I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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