you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
