she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
