she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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