new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
