i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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