What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
