She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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