I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
