Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Please don't give away my fajitas
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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