ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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