if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
