If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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