You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
