Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
