Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
