I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
