There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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