Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
