1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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