Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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