dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
