Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
