I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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