I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I want to have your abortion
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
