rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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