Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
