I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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